We seem to have got a new routine going on in our house. Gone are they days when Ted slept 7.30pm – 6.47am and we all functioned like normal humans. No. Now our day looks something like this:
4:00am – My eyes ping open with the stark realisation that my bladder is entirely full. It is almost painful.
I close my eyes, ignore it.
It might go away.
4:03am – It’s not going away. Instead of using the toilet conveniently located not 10 steps from my bedroom, I use the one downstairs, as not to wake the sleeping toddler. I tiptoe down the stairs, a graceful hippo, holding on to the wall and taking a step at a time, learning from my previous mistakes. (I lost my footing, fell all the way to the bottom, bumping every step on the way.)
4:08am – That’s better. I might as well have a glass of milk while I am down here.
4.15am Back in bed. Bit of a milk-buzz on. Make the fatal mistake of ‘checking my phone.’ Read all notifications, like some pictures on Instagram, read 3 blog posts and scroll through my photographs from the previous day.
4.49am Put phone down. Should really go back to sleep.
5:02am The unmistakeable squark of a waking toddler.
I close my eyes. Ignore it.
It might go away.
5.07am It’s not going away. I sneak into his bedroom, ninja like, inserting a dummy and switching on Ewan the Dreamsheep. This all must be a terrible mistake and he must want to go back to sleep. I get back in bed.
*SILENCE* (Apart from the soothing womb noises Ewan is making, of course)
At this point I am not breathing.
I dare to close my eyes.
5:10am The squarking begins again. He is standing up.
It might go away.
5:11am The squarking has escalated into an unbearable squeal, I can’t leave him, he isn’t going back to sleep. I decide he must need some comfort in order to go back to sleep and bring him in bed with us.
5:13am He says “Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!” I shhhh him and tell him it’s bedtime, and give him a cuddle.
He puts his finger in my mouth and says “Teeeeeesh” I ignore it.
He pulls my hair. I ignore it.
He puts his finger in my eye and shouts “AIIIIIIII!” like some kind of deranged Ali G. I ignore it.
We are not getting up. Cbeebies isn’t even on. This is madness.
5.19am He decides to pull out his best tricks and start doing things that normally get him praise. Clapping, doing the actions to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, saying the word “eight.”
5.21am I hiss at my husband to put some white noise on. That old chestnut. He does and Ted lays still for approximately 7 seconds.
5:22am We realise white noise does not work on toddlers.
5.29am I try to dig deep and find my comforting, maternal instincts that will surely help him sleep. I hold him close and stroke his hair and face, making gentle shhhhing noises. He puts his finger up my nose.
5:34am He is still and calm. I think he’s asleep. I silently congratulate myself and imagine the lovely 2 hours sleep we are all going to get tucked up in our bed.
5:39am He is climbing up the headboard of the bed with the gusto of a caged animal. It can’t be over. This can’t be it.
5:41am He tries to climb over me and out of the bed saying “down!”
It’s over. I take him downstairs.
Between 6:00am and 7:00am the following things will happen:
- He will yawn and rub his eyes which will fill me with rage
- I will analyse each Cbeebies presenter – is Rebecca really always that happy? And how did Ben get a job there in the first place?
- I will Google “toddler sleeping patterns” and “how to help toddler sleep in later”
- I will have an epiphany and realise it’s all my neighbour’s fault. They must be waking him up.
- I will send a tweet that says something witty and hilarious like “Why does my child hate sleep? *coffee emoji* *yawny emoji* #sotired #toddlerproblems”
- Nobody will respond because they are all in bed
- Ted will sit in a box and watch ‘Dinopaws’
Any advice…? I’d love to hear some helpful tips in the comments below! Xx