This time with my Newborn

When Ted was born, so was the Mother in me. I experienced the happiest day of my life followed by the hardest one, when he was rushed for an emergency procedure. He was a sick baby and spent his first week in NICU. That experience shaped the way I cared for him and robbed me of many precious newborn moments. From the day we brought him home, soley into our care with no kind nurses or well-qualified Doctors, I was frightened. I didn’t know if I could do it without them.

In those early weeks as a mother, I questioned everything. Is he feeding OK? Is he warm enough? What does that cry mean? Often I was scared to go to sleep, in case I missed something. I would keep the bedroom light on in case he made a noise – I wanted to be able to see if he was alright immediately. I was constantly on edge.

I consulted every resource I possibly could to compare myself and my new baby. I needed reassurance I was doing it ‘right’. It helped me to read that someone else’s baby made a clicking noise when feeding, or squirmed at night after a feed. If I couldn’t find similar anecdotal tales, I thought I must be doing it wrong. This added pressure of constantly seeking reassurance exhausted me. It took all the energy I had left. But I didn’t trust my ability to look after my tiny baby without doing it.

This time with my newborn, I am calm. And so is he. I follow his lead. I don’t seek reassurance from anybody. If he wants to nurse all night, I nurse him. If he is unsettled and wants to be held, I hold him. I don’t trawl the internet to find out if this is normal, or check a faceless app. I don’t ask anyone if that is right, if they do it too. Because I don’t care now. I do what feels right. I do what my newborn baby tells me he needs. I have not read a single forum thread or opened the covers to a parenting book. I don’t know if it’s a leap or a growth spurt or a developmental milestone. It is what it is.

This time, I feel more present. More in control. I am enjoying myself and I trust in my instincts. I am not frightened any more.

I am a Mother, after all.

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0 thoughts on “This time with my Newborn

  1. Gosh he looks like Ted in that last picture.
    This is the post every new mother should read. Everyone’s advice is ‘the best’ and everyone has a tale to tell you but everyone should just keep their advice to themselves and let new parents find their rhythm!

  2. I could’ve written this myself. As a first time mum you just tend to assume that all the health visitors and apps must know better than we do, as we have never done it before. This time round, I trust myself and my instincts so much more and as a result, we are just so much more relaxed about things. As a result I’ve got braver. I had a c-section, I used a cord tie and I baby wear. 3 things I didn’t do last time and probably wouldn’t have done given the choice so as not to go against the grain. Second babies make a big difference I think!

    1. Thanks Leslie! Second babies rock! ha. I am so glad you are feeling brave with your choices. How are you recovering from your section? How are finding babywearing? Absolutely love it here 🙂 xx

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