I love Autumn – the crisp change in the air, the colours, the promise of winter. It has made us want to get outside and explore. But there is something significant about this Autumn – a feeling weighing heavy on my heart. It is my last season as a mummy of one, the last snap-shot in time when it will just be Ted and I. I want to make it count. So on the days when I really don’t feel like doing anything, I am reminded of that fact and it will see us out the door. I want to give my first born as much attention, time and experiences as I possibly can before his world is turned upside down. Before he has to share me. Every new word he learns is a celebration, every step he takes is a new journey, every restful night a triumph. But for the nights that don’t bring restful sleep I am given an opportunity to hold him, to reassure him, to remind him I will always be there for him.
Strangers pass me in the street, a pregnant lady with a boy who is still a baby, and they tell me “Oh, you’re going to have your hands full!” I smile and say nothing, because I already know. They don’t need to tell me. I think about it everyday. How will I juggle the demands of a toddler and a newborn? Can I be what they both need? Am I going to be enough for them? I remember all to well the demands of a newborn on both my body and my mind, and wonder can I meet those demands and continue to nurture and develop my son? But still I say nothing.
My hands will be full, but so will my heart.
With winter will come uncertainty – when will the baby arrive, and how? Will everything be alright? And further questions still – how will I cope? But we will take each day as it comes. We will survive. I will learn to be a mother of two. My husband and I will adapt, as we welcome a whole new person into our family unit. And I will remember those early days with Ted and look at the tiny person he has grown into, and feel proud. We did that. We can do this. We may not make it out of the house much at first, it will be cold and dark and we will be tired. But we will get through.
So this Autumn there will be blustery walks, spicy coffees and striking colours – but there will also be so much more.